(Why do I do this to myself? I am already bawling and I didn't start typing yet!!!)
So you know those moments that you wish with all your heart you could keep? The ones you know will mean everything to you in life. But you know that no matter how hard you try, you will never preserve that memory well enough to feel it again exactly the way it happened? We spent a couple of days in Disneyland last week. I really don't buy into the hype of Disneyland. "Happiest place on earth." Full of magical moments and whatnot. I enjoy it. And I enjoy watching my girls light up as they see characters and princesses. On Tuesday night I kind of had a meltdown. It was simply exhaustion and hormones and just a little overwhelming moment. But it got worse and worse and I needed to give myself a Mommy Time-Out. And the hardest part about a public meltdown is that somehow when it ends you have to recover from it. So I did. I slapped on a fake, pathetic smile and headed back to the group and held it together through dinner. I knew I had ruined my night, so I was simply hoping to hold it together until we got out of the park and I could hide in a dark hotel room.
Brandon put his foot down about how we were not going to watch fireworks. He is not a fan of them. He thinks they are loud and distract people from the rides. Seriously, while everyone else is staring at the sky, you could get through so many lines and ride so many more rides! And isn't the purpose of Disneyland to cram in as many rides and possible at the expense of any kind of leisure?
Well, Brandon is in charge. He really is. But he is such a softie when his wife wants something. So we were walking along and realized that areas around us were being roped off for the Fantasmic performance. A few bats of the eyes and Brandon found himself in one of the roped off areas grumbling and grimacing. It was incredible. I spent most of the show facing the wrong way because watching everyone's wide eyes was even more amazing than the show. But the highlight was immediately after the show when the Fireworks show began. We were kind of caught off guard. Brandon didn't have a chance to protest. We just stopped where we were. It had beautiful music. Tinkerbell came. And Paige was cold. My big, brand new six-year-old came close and let me wrap my arms around her. Right as I felt her sink into my arms, the song Baby Mine from Dumbo started to play.
"Baby mine, don't you cry.
Baby mine, dry your eyes.
Rest your head close to my heart,
never to part, baby of mine.
Little one, when you play,
pay no heed what they say.
Let those eyes sparkle and shine,
never a tear, baby of mine.
If they knew all about you,
they'd end up loving you too.
All those same people who scold you.
What they'd give just for
the right to hold you.
From your head down to your toes,
you're not much, goodness knows.
But you're so precious to me,
sweet as can be, baby of mine."
My little lady and I swayed and watched the sky light up and I just bawled. That song has always been a tear-jerker and very dear to my heart. But it took on a whole new meaning that night.
Paige Lynn, you are such a beautiful little woman. You are strong and spirited and amazing in so many ways. I watch you and feel overwhelming pride that I get to be your mother. I worry and stress that you will experience heartbreak and failure. I wanted nothing more in that moment then to hold you close forever just to protect you from half of what the world has to offer. But as every mother has to do, I let go, I blew my nose, and I said a silent prayer that your confidence will never falter. You have always had a tremendous spot in my heart, but I recommitted that night to always being there for you. That one magic moment will stay with me forever. I promise.
(Seriously, I have to go through this four more times?!? Having this much emotion for one child is hard enough!)