Abbie's Tantrum

So I should probably tell you what happened last Tuesday. It was bedtime and all five of my kids were in the hallway near the bathroom door. I was back in the  bunk bed room waiting for them to make their way back to me. Something happened to Abbie and she started to scream. I went to go pick her up thinking she had gotten smashed by Easton or something. As I picked her up she went very rigid and then completely limp. She wasn't breathing. Her lips were blue and her eyes had rolled back into her head. It was the most terrifying moment of my life. I screamed and Brandon came running and took her from me. I ran to call 9-1-1. She was only unconscious for a couple of seconds, but when she came to she still couldn't breathe. We weren't sure if she was choking on something or what was wrong. The 9-1-1 operator answered the phone by asking if I needed police, fire, or ambulance. I couldn't even think of the right answer because I was so freaked out. I stated, "My one year old isn't breathing." So he patched me through to the ambulance dispatch. Brandon was doing CPR and I was just running up and down the stairs screaming into the phone, "please hurry, please hurry, please hurry." It took about three minutes for Abbie to let out a horrendous scream. The operator asked me if that was the child who wasn't breathing. And I was sobbing (because I was so relieved) so I could barely answer him. He said, "That scream is a very very very good sign." I knew enough to understand that screaming meant breathing so I just sobbed and sobbed. Three minutes may seem like a short moment. But 6 minutes of no breathing is when brain damage starts. And three minutes of your baby being blue and not being able to breathe is definitely long enough for you to think she is going to die.

The ambulance crew got there soon after the screaming started. They listened to her lungs. They took all of her vitals. Checked her oxygen. They couldn't explain what had happened. There was a lot of blood involved. Brandon had it all over his hands when he was done. But we are pretty sure he scraped her throat with his finger nail when he was doing a finger sweep. Her poor throat is so tender and was probably very torn up. But he thought he felt something in there and wanted to make sure that whatever it was wasn't lodged. Oh my gosh. It was horrifying. And none of these words can even slightly cover it. But I just wanted you to know.

Oh, and to make it even better. She did the same thing two nights later. Yep. She did. Only this time we didn't call 9-1-1. Mostly because my dad was holding her and was the only person in the room. He apparently doesn't have my same propensity to panic.

How do you tell them apart?

So probably 20 times a week I am asked the same questions. Strangers in the grocery store, cousins, friends, ward members... everyone asks, "Are they identical? Can you tell them apart? How?"

So here we go!

Caitlin has a small red dot on her forehead. It is along her hairline, just to the right of center, and very faint. When we were in the hospital she had a lot of trouble keeping her blood sugar levels up. She was always right on the line of where they are required to send babies to the NICU. She had to have an IV inserted into her forehead so they could give her a rush of sugar solution. This got her blood sugar to spike so that she would have the strength and energy to nurse. She looked like a Snork. It left a somewhat permanent mark on her head. But it was effective and kept her out of the NICU and made it so that we could take her home with us.

Abigail has more hair than Caitlin. Ironically, she also has the most pronounced widow's peak that I have ever seen on a baby. Her little curl on top is so cute, but the bald sides of her head make me say that she looks like a little old man.

Their heads are shaped differently. Abigail has boxy, almost a triangular shaped head. I think it makes her head look much bigger than her sister. But so many people we talk to think that Caitlin's very rounded shape looks larger.

The shape of their eyes is also incredibly different. Caitlin has had a "goopy eye" since we brought her home from the hospital. She has a clogged tear duct on her right eye (left side if you are looking at her). It gets crusted shut and looks like something right out of a horror film. That eye has been the quickest and easiest way to tell the girls apart. It is actually clearing up now that she is 4 months old which has caused identification issues for the whole family! I think though that her goopy eye has caused her eyes to always be very narrow. It is hard to describe, but to me it almost looks like her top eyelid is a straight line and her bottom eyelid curves down from there. Abigail is the opposite. I would describe her eyes as humongous and very alert. Her bottom eyelid seems to be the straight line when I look at her and her top eyelid just curves up into this huge arc. But inside those eyelids on both girls are the sweetest, most earnest dark blue irises I have ever seen.

This is not a physical description, but Brandon and I agree that Caitlin seems to talk a lot more. Abi is still very interactive. But she communicates through those huge eyes more and when she makes sound it is typically coos. Caitlin seems to always be babbling and gurgling. These personality differences ring true to their personalities in the womb. Abigail was the mellow baby. I would go for days without feeling her move. And Caitlin was the acrobat who always seemed to have the hiccups or doing forward rolls or kicking my ribs right out of my chest.

I hope you pardon my ramblings. I just realized over the past few weeks that these are things that won't last forever. And things I don't ever want to forget!

The Past Month

Taco Bell and the Baby Timeline.

So I'm not pregnant anymore. Thank Heavens. I was going to post about being 36 weeks along. But I didn't want to have to edit for language and negativity. So we will just be grateful that I never got the chance to post that one!

I spent weeks 32-36 saying I was desperate to get these babies out of me. On Tuesday, Sept 13th, I had three appointments in one day. As I dropped Hailey off for music class that morning I joked that I had three chances in one day. I simply had to manipulate one of the three doctors into saying that I needed to be induced. I had all the confidence in the world that I could talk someone into seeing it my way and putting me out of my misery.

First came the check up with my OB at 1pm. Dr. Julie Grover has been amazing. She has been patient, understanding, professional, confident, reassuring, compassionate, concerned, and probably 20 other adjectives that every amazing doctor needs to be. My appointment with her was pretty much the same as the last three appointments. Things are going well with no incident. Then she decides to check my cervix. There is always a look on her face after that part of the appointment that makes me start laughing and makes Brandon pee his pants just a little. Every time she checks me she starts into her speech about how she is nervous to send me home. And how bad it scares her that I can't feel contractions. And how she doesn't like the idea of babies on the side of I-15. (Ironically, less than one week after I delivered, a woman delivered her fourth child on the side of I-15. I was glad it didn't happen a week earlier. Brandon would have died from shared anxiety!) Anyhow, I was still at a 4 (and had been for the last three weeks) and 80% effaced. But she told me to go ahead and go to my other appointments. But that if anything strange happened AT ALL, I was to go immediately to Labor and Delivery. Her quote was, "even if it isn't labor, we'll make it be labor." She was nervous.

Appointment number 2 was an ultrasound at Maternal Fetal Medicine. I had Dr. Julie Gainer. Again, amazing. I think there must be something I like about young mothers named Julie who happen to practice medicine in Provo. She has been one of my favorite people during this pregnancy. I had an ultrasound with her at the end of July. She spent forever watching my two little girls in awe as they moved and swallowed fluid. She made me look at the girls in a whole new way as her fascination was horribly contagious. So on Tuesday she seemed just a pinch concerned about Caitlin's growth. Caitlin was measuring a full two weeks behind Abigail. Dr. Gainer stressed over and over that the babies did not have to come out right away. She let it be my choice. But she also expressed that she was concerned. She pointed out that they had stayed inside for much longer than we could have hoped and that we had officially reached a point where sometimes the babies can be safer outside than in. There was no pressure. No scare tactics. Just calm, sweet Dr. Gainer telling me my options and telling me that if I wanted to have babies that day that I was allowed to.

Dream come true, right? You'd think. But what does a hormonal pregnant lady do? She cries and suddenly gets all nervous and can't decide what to do. Brandon was floored. "What do you mean, you need to think about it?!?  Last night you begged me to take them out myself. At home!! Now you have a doctor offering to do it in a hospital and telling you it will be safe. And you have to think about it?!?" He wasn't annoyed or pushy. But he was so confused. Apparently he has never been pregnant before. Pity.

So I went on to appointment number 3. A non-stress test. We have only done about 20 of these at this point. But this one was different. This one went smoothly and helped my mood go from frantic and confused to calm and reassured. Or maybe it was the prayers and a steady stream of text messages between my mom, and Kimberly and myself that changed my mood. Who knows. Either way that appointment ended with the nurse coming in and saying that she would be escorting me to Labor and Delivery. The Julie-doctors had called each other and decided it was in everyone's best interest to have babies. Now. So here we go!

We checked in to L&D at 4:00pm. I was hooked up to monitors. At 4:30, my cervix was checked again. In 3 hours I had advanced from a 4 to a 5+. (Good thing I didn't go home?) We sat for a while and watched contractions on the monitor for another 2 hours. At 6:15 they hooked up my epidural. I think Brandon got in trouble because I was shaking like a leaf and scared out of my mind. I looked to him for love and support and he was sitting there texting away on his phone! I threatened to kick him in the head which was only funny because right then then anesthesiologist played with the needle in my spine and made my left leg twitch just so. I really almost kicked Brandon. In the head. It was great. As soon as the epidural was hooked up, they started the Pitocin into my IV. At 7:00 I was at a 6+ but loving life because of my best friend, the epidural. Have a mentioned before that I love epidurals? I was so loopy and relaxed. It was fabulous. At 7:45 I was at an 8 but for some reason my contractions stopped. At 9:20 Dr. Grover came in and broke my water. At 10:05 I was a 9+. And at 10:29 I was complete and ready to go. I sent Brice a text message to meet me in back in my delivery room in 20 minutes with Taco Bell. One minute later they wheeled me into a freezing cold operating room. I just remember shaking like a leaf and Brandon being very concerned about it. He was all dressed in his little OR outfit. Very cute. At 10:47 things were ready and I pushed a half of a push to deliver Miss Abigail. Caitlin was a slightly bigger concern. She had flipped over (which we learned she liked to do about twice a week). She was in a breach position and we weren't sure how it was going to work in terms of needing a C-section. Dr. Grover decided to try a "breach extraction" which is every bit as awkward and creepy as it sounds. She reached right up there and grabbed Caitlin by two feet and pulled her right out. My little girls were three minutes apart, the entire process took about 10 minutes total, and I pushed a total of 0.5 times. As soon as the girls were born they were whisked into the next room where a team of experts did tests and determined that neither girl would need to go to the NICU. I laid in my room with Dr. Grover while everyone else (including Brandon) followed those little girls off. I went back to my room and about two seconds later Brice and Braden showed up with ten tacos, ten burritos, and enough caffeine to rival the amount of adrenaline I had coursing my veins.

Just for tonight...

Just for tonight I don't care if there are dishes in the sink.

Just for tonight I refuse to do any laundry.

Just for tonight I am going to sit in the middle of the un-swept kitchen floor and listen to Paige make phone calls.
I am going to marvel at how much she has grown and how mature she sounds as she solicits friends and family to sponsor her in her school walk-a-thon.

Just for tonight I am going to spend 20 minutes scratching Hailey's back as she falls asleep. I am going to remember the silly Kenny Loggin's CD that I used to listen to when I was little that plays each night while my little girls lay in bed. And after I am done scratching her back I am going to sit next to her bed and watch her little blonde curls and sweet little button nose for another 10 minutes until Brandon gets home from work and catches me.

Just for tonight I am going to take a few mental pictures of Easton's laugh. I am going to always remember those teeth that look entirely too big for his smile. And I am going to take an extra moment or two to let him kiss each twin. Again. And again. And I will hear him say "hi" to them enough times tonight that I will be able to hear it well after he graduates and gets married.

Just for tonight I am going to watch Abigail in Brandon's arms as he rocks. I am going to see how tiny she looks in comparison to his large protective arms. I am going to laugh at how we have started calling her "the pink baby" because it makes it easier to tell her apart from her sister. I will kiss her at least 100 times every time I pick her up. And I will touch every finger and every toe and marvel at how tiny and fragile each one feels.

Just for tonight I am going to turn off the TV and watch Caitlin as she nurses. I am going to remember those desperate little eyes as she frantically gulps. I am going to remember her little 4lb 15oz frame as she lays in my arms. I am going to focus on how tiny her preemie diapers are and how the preemie clothes are still just a little bit big at times.

Just for tonight I am not going to stress about needing to buy a new car. I am not going to think about money or work or where we will be in five years. I won't joke or complain about how I never thought I would have five children. I am going to spend every second that I have loving every moment that I can. Because tomorrow I am going to worry about the dishes and the floor and the car and the money and the dance classes and.... everything else. And tomorrow I might accidently blink. And all these moments will be gone.

So just for tonight my focus is where it should be.

Just for tonight....

34 Weeks

So I didn't take pictures this week. Something about being irritable and sore and not wanting to do anything. At all. Ever. But I should give a little update on my 34 week status. We are still getting checked twice a week at Maternal Fetal Medicine at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center. We have been going there for months getting twice-monthly ultrasounds. And now we have transitioned to twice-weekly Non-Stress Tests (NST's). This includes a very quick ultrasound, mostly just to check fluid levels on each baby. But they also check things like making sure Baby B is staying head down and watching their little rib cages expand to check their lung development. The bulk of the NST is the part where I have to lay there forever while they monitor each twin's heart rate and monitor for contractions.

I tell people that one of the risk factors I have with this pregnancy is that it is my fourth and I have never felt a contraction before. I literally do not know what they feel like! So there is certainly not a way for me to track their regularity or intensity. This is awesome in that my labors and deliveries are typically very easy and painless. But it is absolutely terrifying to know that those easy deliveries typically go REALLY fast. Seriously, with Hailey, Brandon almost missed it, and the OB did miss it. I was checked and I was dilated to a 5 and not feeling a thing. I went to the bathroom and 20 minutes later I was at a 10 and having 3 nurses yell at me to not push until they could get a doctor in there. Poor Brandon had stepped into the hallway for just a minute to say hi to my brother and when he got back in the room there was yelling and chaos and a very friendly, pleasant wife screaming, "where is my freaking husband?!?" Seriously, he was probably in the hallway for 5 minutes when he heard a code white being paged followed by my room number. Obviously he came running back. (Code White is hospital emergency code for a pediatric emergency.)

So back to that 34 week update. I had an NST yesterday that went really well with no concerns or issues. I then had a check-up with Dr. Grover. Did I mention in an earlier post that she is amazing and I adore her? She congratulated me on making it to the 34 week mile-marker. She told me that from that point on they would not put me on bedrest or try and stop labor if it happens. She said that everything at this point should be good and that we are just hoping they stay in a bit longer just because every week from here on out makes them stronger and healthier. Then she checked me. Ha ha.

Sometimes the best part of my appointments with her is the look on her face when I know she is really stressed out. Apparently I am dilated to a 4, 80% effaced, and most definitely have Baby A's head as low as it can possibly be without falling out. After all my soreness lately, Brandon joked that Dr. Grover was going to feel a head this week. I told him that wasn't funny. Jokes on me! Anyhow, because of that whole can't-feel-contractions thing I have, plus the whole five-to-a-ten-in-twenty-minutes thing, Dr. Grover is super concerned about me having babies in the car. Or in WalMart. Now, I know that all of this is relative. I really could be pregnant for another month. Labor is kind of like that. But I also very aware of the idea that I could have babies tomorrow! So here I am. 34 weeks. A little nervous. Mostly excited. And ready to see how this all pans out!

31-32 weeks- WARNING- graphic content!

So it has been a long couple of weeks. Really, I have just felt like 40 weeks for over a month already. Which is silly because I know I am 10 weeks shy of that marker. And my biggest laugh is when people tell me that I don't look big. I agree. I don't. BUT I HAVE TWO MONTHS UNTIL MY DUE DATE! Seriously, if I continued to grow for two more month I would look un-human! Luckily for me I know I won't. My doctor is concerned about me being able to stay preggo until September. And even if I do manage that assignment, she has already said that she won't let me go past September 23rd because of complications.

I guess I should fill you in on why she is having concerns. This is where my post gets a little blunt. So if you don't want to know, you should probably stop reading. On Tuesday, August 9th I had a massive scare when I was going to the bathroom. I was getting ready to put Easton down for a nap. It was about noon. I decided I should pee first. Because, let's face it, it had been over an hour so I was overdue. Anyhow, I will spare you most of the details. But there was blood. Lots of blood. I freaked out. I called Brandon who ran out of work and was home in about 2 minutes. So we went in to get checked. I guess it is all just part of the beauty of carrying twins. There is so much trauma going on in so many areas of my body that I just tore a little muscle and everything was fine. Grossed out. But fine. So, since I was already in the office and already being examined, my OB decided she would check my cervix, "just to see." Yeah, I was dilated. Only to a one. But it was enough to freak her out. Apparently doctors really don't like you to be dilated at 31.5 weeks. Ooops.

So my regularly scheduled appointment was supposed to be that Friday. I came in again and got checked again. She called me a 1.5 and told me that I really needed to start taking it easy. She was worried I would make myself bleed again. Or that I will keep dilating. She said she wasn't going to order bedrest. But she was very stern and said, "Whatever you are doing... do WAY less." Then I went over for my first Non-Stress Test and possibly my last official ultrasound at Maternal Fetal Medicine. We were told it would take about 20 minutes for the NST. Two hours later they were sending us over to Labor and Delivery, "for a couple more hours of monitoring." I guess Baby A was having some heart rate issues that they found to be concerning. We were grateful that we had our kids with Dwight and he took care of them ALL DAY. Seven hours later we were released with more warnings about doing a lot less and resting a lot more. I find it really funny that this whole process started with a due date of Oct 7th. Then the goal was to make it until Sept 23rd. And then it was Sept 7th. Now it seems that everyone is cheering and chanting that if I can just hold on until September things will be just fine. So I guess that is my job. Hold on until September. I think I can manage that!

27 Weeks

So this is my professional photographer. She's great. She doesn't charge me very much. She just has a lot of opinions and always wants me to take her picture when we are done. I figure that is fair. I did make note that she looked very picturesque that day.

Thanks Paige, for all of your help and support through this. And thanks for making me laugh about 20 times in the 20 minutes it took to take four pictures! You're amazing!

"Mom, you really shouldn't hold onto
your butt when I take the picture.
It  just looks funny."

"Darn it! That time you smiled without
your teeth. We need to try it again.
This time try saying cheese."

And according to Paige, we found a winner. 27 weeks, LOTS more to go!

So the update on the pregnancy is looking pretty good. I had a check-up with my new OB-GYN on Tuesday. My first one was ok, but apparently you should have some sort of trust or positive rapport with the doctor who is in charge of your pregnancy and delivery. I didn't. So we found a new one. Her name is Julie Grover and after appointment number one I guess she's great. She is human. And since I am still on my anti-people kick that is kind of a flaw. But it will work out ok I think. 

Anyhow, the next day I had my most recent ultrasound. The good news there was that both babies are head down. For anyone who hasn't read my feelings on C-sections, I am a little terrified and so both babies in position is great news for me! I know there is still always that chance that things will not go as smoothly as I am hoping for. But the specialist also said that the babies are much less likely to flip over at this point. Which means we are planning on at least trying for a vaginal delivery! (Can I say vaginal on here? Or am I going to get angry posts from friends and family who do not approve of such a vulgar comment?) We have another ultrasound in two weeks. But so far there are no signs at all of Twin-Twin Transfusion syndrome. (YEAH!) They are measuring about exactly equal and the specialists are all still assuming the girls are identical. (Which I can finally admit is kind of exciting. Especially since they will probably be as cute as their sisters. Easton is going to have a lot of body guard duty during the high school years.) 

In case anyone cares, the reason they are assuming identical is that they can only see one placenta in the ultrasound pictures. One placenta means they have to be identical. There is also the tiniest, thinnest membrane separating the girls. It is so hard to see on the screen. But the only way to know for sure if twins are identical is to have a DNA test done at birth to see what percentage of their DNA matches. I guess even the doctors sometimes can't tell if there are really two placentas there or if the two placentas fused together. Really complicated. But we are learning so much. Every appointment is amazingly fascinating. And I love the doctors over at Maternal Fetal Medicine at UVRMC. They are patient and smart and just always willing to take the time to talk to you and make sure you understand the creatures in your belly!

And the non-medical side of my pregnancy should get an update also. I have to admit that this is much harder than I imagined it would be. I have posted a lot about my feelings and emotions. I just didn't realize how taxing this would be. And people keep telling me that I look great or that I don't act like I am struggling. I'm not. I really am doing well. But there are just some days when the littlest thing (going to the bathroom, making lunch, sitting up too long) takes everything I have! I get frustrated and complain. But Brandon has always been so supportive. Today was a harder day and Brandon rushed home from work early and grabbed the girls so that I could just lay down and rest. It is just weird to feel like I got "nothing" done all day and yet I feel like I ran a marathon! Literally that is how some days feel. It is sooo strange. And then I just fall into Brandon's arms and believe him when he lectures me about how I didn't get "nothing" done. I am creating people. My body appears to be sitting there. But it is frantically building cells and brains and bones and working overtime trying to get things ready in time. It's hard work. But someone's gotta do it!

Scared Silly

This is not going to be a very positive blog post. But I firmly believe in keeping things real. And I firmly believe in getting my feelings and thoughts down so that I can remember them. And if someone else wants to read them, that's cool. And if someone else has ever felt the same way and feels just a little less psychotic to not be alone in their emotions, that's great. So here we go.


I have had three very easy pregnancies. My first trimester flies by and I barely know I am pregnant. The second trimester is full of endorphin highs and other positive nonsense. The third trimester starts to get a pinch uncomfortable. The last couple of weeks (2 or 3) I start to get really whiny and less than pleasant. And by the time my due date rolls around I am ready to get the dang baby out. But overall I can't complain because I know how easy it is for me to get pregnant and to carry a baby. Really, it is what my body was made to do. Forget sports and dancing and all the other things I have tried. My body does babies. It's good at it. 


This time is soooo different. I would guess that 3-5 times a week I just curl up in bed and experience a level of anxiety that scares me silly. Things really aren't that hard or that bad.... yet. It's just that I am only at 25 weeks, and I have felt ready to pop for the last month already. My fear comes from the fact that I honestly doubt and question that my body will be able to handle the rest of what it needs to do. I watch my skin stretch and think of how much further that skin has to stretch before it's done. Is it possible? I am 2/3 of the way through this process and I think it has already maxed out. Then there is the intense irritability. What if I am so mean to everyone around me that they all quit on me before I finish. I will admit that I worry about this with Brandon occasionally. I know he's in this for the long haul. He isn't going anywhere. But who wants to maintain that level of commitment to a fat, grumpy woman who doesn't even let you touch her? Really, logic dictates that it is only a matter of days before he is peacing out for good. And finally there is the pressure. This pregnancy puts pressure everywhere. On my abdominal muscles. On my pelvic floor. On my feet. On my fingers. And on my sinuses. I just really feel like the pressure is going to build for a few more weeks and I will literally explode. Literally. 


I just feel inadequate. I feel overwhelmed. And on my worst days I feel angry. I never asked for this. In reality I did a lot of things to ask for this to not happen. I don't want to do it. I don't want to be pregnant. I don't want to deal with the terror of what is awaiting me in September. I have so many things in my life that I want to do. And I don't think that most of them are selfish things. But this was not on the list. Ever.


So now is the part where I have to have my Spiritual breakdown and redeem myself from your judgments about my attitude. I am terrified. I honestly do not see myself surviving this process. I am not being dramatic or exaggerating, this might kill me. But it probably won't. Probably I am going to make it through. One day, one inch and one little breakdown at a time. And the times I feel the most overwhelmed are the times when I am letting Satan have the most influence over my confidence. He is the source of my doubt and my fear. And I need to focus on the attitude of looking that fear in the eye, recognizing it for what (and who) it is, and saying "get the hence Satan." 

16 Weeks

So we are having twins. I know, right? This is our reward for saying that we were good with three kids. Apparently Heavenly Father heard us and figured he needing to slip the last two in there quick. And at the same time. Paige heard me tell someone a few weeks ago that I was going to have three babies. Her response, "You have three in there now?!?" I had to explain that Easton just barely turned 1, and won't be 18 months yet when he becomes a big brother. So that's three babies! We are so in shock. But after a couple of ultrasounds and a whole lot of trips to BabiesRUs, we are actually getting less terrified and more excited. And I keep explaining to people that 20 weeks is usually when I start looking for my storage tub of maternity clothes. As you can see, we passed that point weeks ago! Oh my.