So I apparently have an adult child...

Whether or not I am old enough or mature enough, life has a way of making things happen that I am never quite ready for. Whether or not I am old enough or mature enough, I realized this week that my child is, in fact, an adult.

At some point in our relationship you grew up. And as you did you took on more and more roles in my life. At some point you became less dependent on me and I became more dependent on you. You became a confidant. You became a role model. And you became my friend. That is a cherished and valued relationship for me. It was hard to let go of your childlike tendencies. It was hard to watch some of your failures. But each of those moments made us as close as we are today. And that friendship has been worth every heartache. 

But that relationship isn't done growing. We have a whole lifetime of evolution still. There will be more ups and downs. There will be more struggles and more heartaches. And I pray daily that there will be more friendship. 

One of the biggest struggles you and I deal with is control. Your dad pointed out to me this morning that so much of what you are doing right now is trying to be in control. We all deal with this. Work and school and church and other responsibilities dictate so much of our time. There are very little areas even in our adult life where we truly get to feel like we are in control of our finances, our emotions, or our choices. Keep in mind that I am not trying to control you. If I could or should have stopped you, I would have never let you serve a church mission. I would have never let you move across the country for school. I would have stopped you from declaring a major that seems fun, and tried to force a major that could guarantee 100% success 100% of the time. These, and so many others, are very adult choices that you made on your own. They take you further into an independent world. And they are reminders of how much our relationship really has changed. But these were your choices. And they were good ones. And even though I was terrified, even though I was worried, I trusted you to make them. It wasn't easy letting go. But I did. I resisted the urge to physically lock you in a room and pretend you were still a teenager. I resisted the urge to shelter you from any and everything that could have happened. That urge was there. And I resisted. 

There are many more of these adult choices coming. And they are yours to make. I will be terrified, and I will be worried. And sometimes I will see the picture clearer than you. Sometimes I will bite my tongue and let you fall. And sometimes I will do everything I can to guide you. Because that's what I do. I do not subscribe to the idea that a parents job ends. Ever. Not when a child turns 18. Not when a child seems past hope. I subscribe to the idea that families are forever. And I subscribe to the idea that I committed to be your mom for exactly that long. 

Please remember that my need to defend and protect you will never go away. Not because you are a child. But because you are my child. Regardless of your age, your success, your marital status, or your emotional state. Wherever you go, whatever you do, you are mine. And that kind of love just doesn't fade.

Abbie's Tantrum

So I should probably tell you what happened last Tuesday. It was bedtime and all five of my kids were in the hallway near the bathroom door. I was back in the  bunk bed room waiting for them to make their way back to me. Something happened to Abbie and she started to scream. I went to go pick her up thinking she had gotten smashed by Easton or something. As I picked her up she went very rigid and then completely limp. She wasn't breathing. Her lips were blue and her eyes had rolled back into her head. It was the most terrifying moment of my life. I screamed and Brandon came running and took her from me. I ran to call 9-1-1. She was only unconscious for a couple of seconds, but when she came to she still couldn't breathe. We weren't sure if she was choking on something or what was wrong. The 9-1-1 operator answered the phone by asking if I needed police, fire, or ambulance. I couldn't even think of the right answer because I was so freaked out. I stated, "My one year old isn't breathing." So he patched me through to the ambulance dispatch. Brandon was doing CPR and I was just running up and down the stairs screaming into the phone, "please hurry, please hurry, please hurry." It took about three minutes for Abbie to let out a horrendous scream. The operator asked me if that was the child who wasn't breathing. And I was sobbing (because I was so relieved) so I could barely answer him. He said, "That scream is a very very very good sign." I knew enough to understand that screaming meant breathing so I just sobbed and sobbed. Three minutes may seem like a short moment. But 6 minutes of no breathing is when brain damage starts. And three minutes of your baby being blue and not being able to breathe is definitely long enough for you to think she is going to die.

The ambulance crew got there soon after the screaming started. They listened to her lungs. They took all of her vitals. Checked her oxygen. They couldn't explain what had happened. There was a lot of blood involved. Brandon had it all over his hands when he was done. But we are pretty sure he scraped her throat with his finger nail when he was doing a finger sweep. Her poor throat is so tender and was probably very torn up. But he thought he felt something in there and wanted to make sure that whatever it was wasn't lodged. Oh my gosh. It was horrifying. And none of these words can even slightly cover it. But I just wanted you to know.

Oh, and to make it even better. She did the same thing two nights later. Yep. She did. Only this time we didn't call 9-1-1. Mostly because my dad was holding her and was the only person in the room. He apparently doesn't have my same propensity to panic.

Reasons I like to cry.

Let's face it. I really don't actually like to cry. My eyes get blotchy. My head hurts. It's never a good time because one of 5 little people inevitably wants my attention right as I begin to break down. But the facts of life dictate that I will cry. I have to. I just can't avoid the activity altogether. So if I am going to cry, my new goal is to spend as little time as possible crying because I am sad or angry or hurting. I am just going to find good reasons to cry.

Today I have cried a few times. And even when I am not crying I can just feel the emotion bubbling right below the surface. And I realize, fully and undeniably, that my emotions are so strong today for all the same reasons that I got emotional a year ago and the year before that. It's Father's Day. And darn it all, I have a LOT to be grateful for in that department.

I have always been surrounded by great fathers. I grew up in this little bubble of high functioning people who had very strong family ties and a great sense of responsibility in the fathering area. I don't mean to discredit anything that my grandfathers or my own father did. But I definitely missed the concept that not all fathers are like that. Not all fathers come home every day. Not all fathers tuck you in and spend time listening to how your day went. Not all fathers miss you when they are away on trips. And not all fathers discipline in a righteous way that actually molds and shapes a life in a positive light. So, thank you, Dad, for making all of those difficult and monumental things seem so common and simple. Thank you for not letting me realize that there was an alternative to the things you did. And thank you for instilling in me the desire to raise my family the same way.

And the thank you's continue. Because somewhere along the line I accidentally picked up this man who totally changed the course of my life. I really was not looking for him. I actually tried really really really hard to not see him there. And then I kind of sort of fought this whole parenting thing. Not that I didn't want kids. But the idea of raising children just seemed too draining and overwhelming. Yet something about him just makes the whole process fun. Almost carnival on the boardwalk with funnel cake kind of fun. Every day. I seriously do not know children that laugh or smile as much as his do. I do not know a house that is as messy and chaotic and yet still so comfortable to me as his is. And I do not know respect and admiration as deep as what I have for him as a father. He spends his every waking moment honing his talent. He wakes up early just to spend alone time with his daughter. He spends 8-10 hours every day trying as best as he can to be a positive father figure to teens who may or may not have another one. He has given years and years to boys who he welcomed into our home and didn't hesitate to lovingly correct when they needed it, or forgive when it was desperately desired. And at the end of his day, he chooses to play games or make ice cream or any other activity that will reinforce to his children how much he loves them. He begs me to let him do bath-time and bed-time because he hasn't "gotten to see them all day." He is one-of-a-kind. And he lets me be his partner. Thank you, Brandon. For everything.

Mahal Kita. And Happy Father's Day.

Little Man turned 2

Easton Beaston Buddy Boy,

Yes, I do regularly call you that. It is obviously a good nickname. It's short for Easton. Ha ha. So you turned two about a month ago and can I just tell you that your vocabulary EXPLODED. You had a couple of words before your birthday and you used them a lot. But then you turned two and suddenly you are interested in actually making conversation with people. You talk all the time. And you talk so clearly. And every day you add like 12 new words to what you say. You make sentences. You ask questions. My very very favorite is when you walk in the room and I say, "Hi Easton." You always respond with the same, "Hey Mom." It is just so cool and casual. You sound like you are 17 years old. It makes me jump almost every time because I still don't expect such a laid back, mature response from my little man. Priceless.

There are a couple of things that people always comment on with you. The first one is your appearance. You  have these humongous bright blue eyes that just shine. I can never get over how happy your eyes look. And it is the first thing everyone notices. You also have the friendliest smile. People always comment that you are the happiest kid they have ever seen. And you laugh all the time. Every chance you get. In my next life I am going to be just a bit more like you.

This is you opening gifts at Abuela and Abuelo's house. Dad, Brice and Braden are holding up iPhone's that are "Facetiming" with aunts, uncles and Gramma back in Delaware. It was really awesome (in a freakishly futuristic way) to have them be able to see you open gifts. Webcam on a cell phone. Who woulda thunk?

This is your time-out pose. Whenever we take a firm tone you put yourself in time-out by sitting down and folding your arms. Please take note of the pink shoes which have been a major part of your life!

These are the shoes you got to try and keep the pink ones off your feet!

Well, that's all for now, my rough-and-tumble little man. I would have more to say, but you and your sisters are upstairs and it is quiet. And when the three of you are together and quiet I get really nervous. Thank you for being such a fun boy. I look forward to this next year and all that you will say and do!

I love you!

Love, Mom

Hailey is 4.

So Hailey turned 4 in March. And I started a blog entry. And I got distracted. And now it's May.

I should feel guilty and sad. I should be upset that life always has a way of distracting me from what I think is really important. But I am so very used to this life that I am just going to roll my eyes, remind myself that I am, in fact, a very good mother, and write her a belated birthday wish. And after I finish I will write about Easton who had a birthday in April!

Hailey Bailey,

I love you. What more can a mom say? You are loud and hyper and have crazy curly hair and you have more energy in your pinkie toe than I have had in my whole last 10 years of life. But what is there NOT to love about you! This year we celebrated your birthday three times! We did cake and ice cream and all that with Dad's family the Saturday before your birthday. You were such a little princess. I could tell you were soaking up every ounce of attention you could. Next we did a birthday party with some friends. We had a Minnie Mouse theme and you even dressed the part. And finally on your actual birthday we had Buela and Buelo and Kayla over for dinner and cake. The picture above was from that night.

So, I need to tell you some stories about yourself that make me smile. Most of what entertains me about you right now is how you say certain words. My favorite one is that you say 'Ooze' instead of 'Use.' Consistently. "Can I ooze this?" "Paige oozed my shoes without asking!!" Kind of the same mistake, but there is a song on the radio right now that we LOVE. It is called Glad You Came by The Wanted. One of the lyrics says, "My universe will never be the same. I'm glad you came." Except you always say ooniverse instead of universe. Cracks me up. Other songs you LOVE right now are Second Chance by Shinedown (there is a line about Hailey's commet and you always sing Hailey's comin'), Pumped Up Kicks by Foster the People (instead of singing "All the other kids with the pumped up kicks" you sing "All the other kids and the bum bum kids"), and we always rock out to Adele's Rolling in the Deep.

Another thing I want to tell you about is this attachment thing you are going through right now. I have no idea what started it. You have always been a super independent girl. And typically you still are. But for some reason right now you just don't want us to leave you. We have some theories as to why it's happening. But you will literally cling to me or dad and not let us out of your sight. It almost makes me feel good to know how much you really feel inside.

You go to preschool. You love it. You are also involved in ballet and a music class. You love those even more. You are very into playing with friends right now. You have one friend named Lily who you refer to as "My Lily." Paige's current best friend is also named Lillie so we always have to differentiate them.

There is so much more I want to tell you. But capturing Hailey in a few paragraphs is just not going to be a possible task.

But I love you. So very much.

Love,

Mom

Grocery Shopping

1 stroller, 2 mega carts, 3 hours, 4 kids, 500 dollars... On the way out the door I heard Sam's club playing Elephants on Parade... Welcome to my life.

How do you tell them apart?

So probably 20 times a week I am asked the same questions. Strangers in the grocery store, cousins, friends, ward members... everyone asks, "Are they identical? Can you tell them apart? How?"

So here we go!

Caitlin has a small red dot on her forehead. It is along her hairline, just to the right of center, and very faint. When we were in the hospital she had a lot of trouble keeping her blood sugar levels up. She was always right on the line of where they are required to send babies to the NICU. She had to have an IV inserted into her forehead so they could give her a rush of sugar solution. This got her blood sugar to spike so that she would have the strength and energy to nurse. She looked like a Snork. It left a somewhat permanent mark on her head. But it was effective and kept her out of the NICU and made it so that we could take her home with us.

Abigail has more hair than Caitlin. Ironically, she also has the most pronounced widow's peak that I have ever seen on a baby. Her little curl on top is so cute, but the bald sides of her head make me say that she looks like a little old man.

Their heads are shaped differently. Abigail has boxy, almost a triangular shaped head. I think it makes her head look much bigger than her sister. But so many people we talk to think that Caitlin's very rounded shape looks larger.

The shape of their eyes is also incredibly different. Caitlin has had a "goopy eye" since we brought her home from the hospital. She has a clogged tear duct on her right eye (left side if you are looking at her). It gets crusted shut and looks like something right out of a horror film. That eye has been the quickest and easiest way to tell the girls apart. It is actually clearing up now that she is 4 months old which has caused identification issues for the whole family! I think though that her goopy eye has caused her eyes to always be very narrow. It is hard to describe, but to me it almost looks like her top eyelid is a straight line and her bottom eyelid curves down from there. Abigail is the opposite. I would describe her eyes as humongous and very alert. Her bottom eyelid seems to be the straight line when I look at her and her top eyelid just curves up into this huge arc. But inside those eyelids on both girls are the sweetest, most earnest dark blue irises I have ever seen.

This is not a physical description, but Brandon and I agree that Caitlin seems to talk a lot more. Abi is still very interactive. But she communicates through those huge eyes more and when she makes sound it is typically coos. Caitlin seems to always be babbling and gurgling. These personality differences ring true to their personalities in the womb. Abigail was the mellow baby. I would go for days without feeling her move. And Caitlin was the acrobat who always seemed to have the hiccups or doing forward rolls or kicking my ribs right out of my chest.

I hope you pardon my ramblings. I just realized over the past few weeks that these are things that won't last forever. And things I don't ever want to forget!

It's just not fair.

I am supposed to be working. I am trying to get work done. I am annoying Brandon because he wants to go to sleep and I am still saying I have more work to do. But the truth is that I just cannot focus. I am a so distracted lately. Nine times out of ten the issue is that I am distracted by the 5 gorgeous children that I am blessed to be responsible for. I am realizing that it is too hard to focus on any task before me when I have those guys in my house with me! But this time I am distracted by blessings. And not in a good way. I get very hormonal and emotional. And when I do I get very angry about the uneven distribution of blessings. I have faith in a Heavenly Father who loves us all and knows what He is doing in terms of said distribution. I do. But on nights like tonight I can't help but be very sad about everyone who suffers. I try very hard every year to feel the Christmas Spirit. I enjoy my family and my friends and my gift giving and my gift receiving and the parties and the trees and the lights. But I am constantly battling the nagging feelings in the back of my mind that want to remind me of those people who don't have each of the things I just named. It has been especially hard in the last few years since I have been working with and near the kids that we get to work with. I just don't understand a system that can deal such different hands to so many people. And then we turn around and expect these kids who have been dealt such a rough hand to pull out the same results that "well-adjusted" kids pull out. And we have to maintain that expectation. We have to demand that they create something out of nothing. It is the only chance that some of these kids have at living a life that does not involve bars and jumpsuits. I get it. I have seen time and time again how the process works. But someone just explain to me how I am supposed to kick back and sip my hot chocolate and enjoy my 5 children and sing the familiar Christmas Carols and not die of a broken heart? Please?

The Past Month

Taco Bell and the Baby Timeline.

So I'm not pregnant anymore. Thank Heavens. I was going to post about being 36 weeks along. But I didn't want to have to edit for language and negativity. So we will just be grateful that I never got the chance to post that one!

I spent weeks 32-36 saying I was desperate to get these babies out of me. On Tuesday, Sept 13th, I had three appointments in one day. As I dropped Hailey off for music class that morning I joked that I had three chances in one day. I simply had to manipulate one of the three doctors into saying that I needed to be induced. I had all the confidence in the world that I could talk someone into seeing it my way and putting me out of my misery.

First came the check up with my OB at 1pm. Dr. Julie Grover has been amazing. She has been patient, understanding, professional, confident, reassuring, compassionate, concerned, and probably 20 other adjectives that every amazing doctor needs to be. My appointment with her was pretty much the same as the last three appointments. Things are going well with no incident. Then she decides to check my cervix. There is always a look on her face after that part of the appointment that makes me start laughing and makes Brandon pee his pants just a little. Every time she checks me she starts into her speech about how she is nervous to send me home. And how bad it scares her that I can't feel contractions. And how she doesn't like the idea of babies on the side of I-15. (Ironically, less than one week after I delivered, a woman delivered her fourth child on the side of I-15. I was glad it didn't happen a week earlier. Brandon would have died from shared anxiety!) Anyhow, I was still at a 4 (and had been for the last three weeks) and 80% effaced. But she told me to go ahead and go to my other appointments. But that if anything strange happened AT ALL, I was to go immediately to Labor and Delivery. Her quote was, "even if it isn't labor, we'll make it be labor." She was nervous.

Appointment number 2 was an ultrasound at Maternal Fetal Medicine. I had Dr. Julie Gainer. Again, amazing. I think there must be something I like about young mothers named Julie who happen to practice medicine in Provo. She has been one of my favorite people during this pregnancy. I had an ultrasound with her at the end of July. She spent forever watching my two little girls in awe as they moved and swallowed fluid. She made me look at the girls in a whole new way as her fascination was horribly contagious. So on Tuesday she seemed just a pinch concerned about Caitlin's growth. Caitlin was measuring a full two weeks behind Abigail. Dr. Gainer stressed over and over that the babies did not have to come out right away. She let it be my choice. But she also expressed that she was concerned. She pointed out that they had stayed inside for much longer than we could have hoped and that we had officially reached a point where sometimes the babies can be safer outside than in. There was no pressure. No scare tactics. Just calm, sweet Dr. Gainer telling me my options and telling me that if I wanted to have babies that day that I was allowed to.

Dream come true, right? You'd think. But what does a hormonal pregnant lady do? She cries and suddenly gets all nervous and can't decide what to do. Brandon was floored. "What do you mean, you need to think about it?!?  Last night you begged me to take them out myself. At home!! Now you have a doctor offering to do it in a hospital and telling you it will be safe. And you have to think about it?!?" He wasn't annoyed or pushy. But he was so confused. Apparently he has never been pregnant before. Pity.

So I went on to appointment number 3. A non-stress test. We have only done about 20 of these at this point. But this one was different. This one went smoothly and helped my mood go from frantic and confused to calm and reassured. Or maybe it was the prayers and a steady stream of text messages between my mom, and Kimberly and myself that changed my mood. Who knows. Either way that appointment ended with the nurse coming in and saying that she would be escorting me to Labor and Delivery. The Julie-doctors had called each other and decided it was in everyone's best interest to have babies. Now. So here we go!

We checked in to L&D at 4:00pm. I was hooked up to monitors. At 4:30, my cervix was checked again. In 3 hours I had advanced from a 4 to a 5+. (Good thing I didn't go home?) We sat for a while and watched contractions on the monitor for another 2 hours. At 6:15 they hooked up my epidural. I think Brandon got in trouble because I was shaking like a leaf and scared out of my mind. I looked to him for love and support and he was sitting there texting away on his phone! I threatened to kick him in the head which was only funny because right then then anesthesiologist played with the needle in my spine and made my left leg twitch just so. I really almost kicked Brandon. In the head. It was great. As soon as the epidural was hooked up, they started the Pitocin into my IV. At 7:00 I was at a 6+ but loving life because of my best friend, the epidural. Have a mentioned before that I love epidurals? I was so loopy and relaxed. It was fabulous. At 7:45 I was at an 8 but for some reason my contractions stopped. At 9:20 Dr. Grover came in and broke my water. At 10:05 I was a 9+. And at 10:29 I was complete and ready to go. I sent Brice a text message to meet me in back in my delivery room in 20 minutes with Taco Bell. One minute later they wheeled me into a freezing cold operating room. I just remember shaking like a leaf and Brandon being very concerned about it. He was all dressed in his little OR outfit. Very cute. At 10:47 things were ready and I pushed a half of a push to deliver Miss Abigail. Caitlin was a slightly bigger concern. She had flipped over (which we learned she liked to do about twice a week). She was in a breach position and we weren't sure how it was going to work in terms of needing a C-section. Dr. Grover decided to try a "breach extraction" which is every bit as awkward and creepy as it sounds. She reached right up there and grabbed Caitlin by two feet and pulled her right out. My little girls were three minutes apart, the entire process took about 10 minutes total, and I pushed a total of 0.5 times. As soon as the girls were born they were whisked into the next room where a team of experts did tests and determined that neither girl would need to go to the NICU. I laid in my room with Dr. Grover while everyone else (including Brandon) followed those little girls off. I went back to my room and about two seconds later Brice and Braden showed up with ten tacos, ten burritos, and enough caffeine to rival the amount of adrenaline I had coursing my veins.

Just for tonight...

Just for tonight I don't care if there are dishes in the sink.

Just for tonight I refuse to do any laundry.

Just for tonight I am going to sit in the middle of the un-swept kitchen floor and listen to Paige make phone calls.
I am going to marvel at how much she has grown and how mature she sounds as she solicits friends and family to sponsor her in her school walk-a-thon.

Just for tonight I am going to spend 20 minutes scratching Hailey's back as she falls asleep. I am going to remember the silly Kenny Loggin's CD that I used to listen to when I was little that plays each night while my little girls lay in bed. And after I am done scratching her back I am going to sit next to her bed and watch her little blonde curls and sweet little button nose for another 10 minutes until Brandon gets home from work and catches me.

Just for tonight I am going to take a few mental pictures of Easton's laugh. I am going to always remember those teeth that look entirely too big for his smile. And I am going to take an extra moment or two to let him kiss each twin. Again. And again. And I will hear him say "hi" to them enough times tonight that I will be able to hear it well after he graduates and gets married.

Just for tonight I am going to watch Abigail in Brandon's arms as he rocks. I am going to see how tiny she looks in comparison to his large protective arms. I am going to laugh at how we have started calling her "the pink baby" because it makes it easier to tell her apart from her sister. I will kiss her at least 100 times every time I pick her up. And I will touch every finger and every toe and marvel at how tiny and fragile each one feels.

Just for tonight I am going to turn off the TV and watch Caitlin as she nurses. I am going to remember those desperate little eyes as she frantically gulps. I am going to remember her little 4lb 15oz frame as she lays in my arms. I am going to focus on how tiny her preemie diapers are and how the preemie clothes are still just a little bit big at times.

Just for tonight I am not going to stress about needing to buy a new car. I am not going to think about money or work or where we will be in five years. I won't joke or complain about how I never thought I would have five children. I am going to spend every second that I have loving every moment that I can. Because tomorrow I am going to worry about the dishes and the floor and the car and the money and the dance classes and.... everything else. And tomorrow I might accidently blink. And all these moments will be gone.

So just for tonight my focus is where it should be.

Just for tonight....

34 Weeks

So I didn't take pictures this week. Something about being irritable and sore and not wanting to do anything. At all. Ever. But I should give a little update on my 34 week status. We are still getting checked twice a week at Maternal Fetal Medicine at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center. We have been going there for months getting twice-monthly ultrasounds. And now we have transitioned to twice-weekly Non-Stress Tests (NST's). This includes a very quick ultrasound, mostly just to check fluid levels on each baby. But they also check things like making sure Baby B is staying head down and watching their little rib cages expand to check their lung development. The bulk of the NST is the part where I have to lay there forever while they monitor each twin's heart rate and monitor for contractions.

I tell people that one of the risk factors I have with this pregnancy is that it is my fourth and I have never felt a contraction before. I literally do not know what they feel like! So there is certainly not a way for me to track their regularity or intensity. This is awesome in that my labors and deliveries are typically very easy and painless. But it is absolutely terrifying to know that those easy deliveries typically go REALLY fast. Seriously, with Hailey, Brandon almost missed it, and the OB did miss it. I was checked and I was dilated to a 5 and not feeling a thing. I went to the bathroom and 20 minutes later I was at a 10 and having 3 nurses yell at me to not push until they could get a doctor in there. Poor Brandon had stepped into the hallway for just a minute to say hi to my brother and when he got back in the room there was yelling and chaos and a very friendly, pleasant wife screaming, "where is my freaking husband?!?" Seriously, he was probably in the hallway for 5 minutes when he heard a code white being paged followed by my room number. Obviously he came running back. (Code White is hospital emergency code for a pediatric emergency.)

So back to that 34 week update. I had an NST yesterday that went really well with no concerns or issues. I then had a check-up with Dr. Grover. Did I mention in an earlier post that she is amazing and I adore her? She congratulated me on making it to the 34 week mile-marker. She told me that from that point on they would not put me on bedrest or try and stop labor if it happens. She said that everything at this point should be good and that we are just hoping they stay in a bit longer just because every week from here on out makes them stronger and healthier. Then she checked me. Ha ha.

Sometimes the best part of my appointments with her is the look on her face when I know she is really stressed out. Apparently I am dilated to a 4, 80% effaced, and most definitely have Baby A's head as low as it can possibly be without falling out. After all my soreness lately, Brandon joked that Dr. Grover was going to feel a head this week. I told him that wasn't funny. Jokes on me! Anyhow, because of that whole can't-feel-contractions thing I have, plus the whole five-to-a-ten-in-twenty-minutes thing, Dr. Grover is super concerned about me having babies in the car. Or in WalMart. Now, I know that all of this is relative. I really could be pregnant for another month. Labor is kind of like that. But I also very aware of the idea that I could have babies tomorrow! So here I am. 34 weeks. A little nervous. Mostly excited. And ready to see how this all pans out!

Pancakes with Dad

We are not morning people. By we, I mostly mean me. But as a general rule, our family does not function well before, let's say, 10am. So Brandon has this great job. Really, he does. And he loves Paige immensely. (And yes, my thoughts will eventually connect. I just need a minute to connect them.) The one fatal flaw of this job is that he works M-F from 1 or 2 until 9pm. It means that he leaves for work just before Paige gets home from school. He misses out on dinner with his family. And he doesn't get to be around for homework, baths, chores, or the cherished bedtime ritual. And part of the irony of all of this is that he works with teenage girls who are coping with neglect, abuse, and all sorts of "dad" issues. He sees first-hand how vital his role is as a father. And I think he gets really down on himself about not seeing Paige very much throughout the week.

So, here is where my thoughts connect. I hope. My love and admiration for Brandon grew a million times over this week. I never think that is possible since I already love and admire him times infinity. But it did. That sleep-deprived, over-stressed, maxed-out guy set his alarm clock for 7am every morning this week. He went in and woke up Paige and declared that 7-7:30 was their special Dad/Paige time. They went downstairs and made pancakes, waffles, hot chocolate, cereal... whatever they were in the mood for that day and spent a good half hour talking about school and life and everything else. Eventually Hailey and Easton would wake up and join the party. But Brandon got Paiger ready and loaded up the stroller and walked Miss Paige (and her siblings) over to the school every day this past week so that I could rest. I don't know. Maybe it seems like such a small little thing. Pancakes with dad while the rest of the house sleeps. But for this sleep-deprived, over-stressed, maxed-out mom I think it is a pretty great definition of love.

31-32 weeks- WARNING- graphic content!

So it has been a long couple of weeks. Really, I have just felt like 40 weeks for over a month already. Which is silly because I know I am 10 weeks shy of that marker. And my biggest laugh is when people tell me that I don't look big. I agree. I don't. BUT I HAVE TWO MONTHS UNTIL MY DUE DATE! Seriously, if I continued to grow for two more month I would look un-human! Luckily for me I know I won't. My doctor is concerned about me being able to stay preggo until September. And even if I do manage that assignment, she has already said that she won't let me go past September 23rd because of complications.

I guess I should fill you in on why she is having concerns. This is where my post gets a little blunt. So if you don't want to know, you should probably stop reading. On Tuesday, August 9th I had a massive scare when I was going to the bathroom. I was getting ready to put Easton down for a nap. It was about noon. I decided I should pee first. Because, let's face it, it had been over an hour so I was overdue. Anyhow, I will spare you most of the details. But there was blood. Lots of blood. I freaked out. I called Brandon who ran out of work and was home in about 2 minutes. So we went in to get checked. I guess it is all just part of the beauty of carrying twins. There is so much trauma going on in so many areas of my body that I just tore a little muscle and everything was fine. Grossed out. But fine. So, since I was already in the office and already being examined, my OB decided she would check my cervix, "just to see." Yeah, I was dilated. Only to a one. But it was enough to freak her out. Apparently doctors really don't like you to be dilated at 31.5 weeks. Ooops.

So my regularly scheduled appointment was supposed to be that Friday. I came in again and got checked again. She called me a 1.5 and told me that I really needed to start taking it easy. She was worried I would make myself bleed again. Or that I will keep dilating. She said she wasn't going to order bedrest. But she was very stern and said, "Whatever you are doing... do WAY less." Then I went over for my first Non-Stress Test and possibly my last official ultrasound at Maternal Fetal Medicine. We were told it would take about 20 minutes for the NST. Two hours later they were sending us over to Labor and Delivery, "for a couple more hours of monitoring." I guess Baby A was having some heart rate issues that they found to be concerning. We were grateful that we had our kids with Dwight and he took care of them ALL DAY. Seven hours later we were released with more warnings about doing a lot less and resting a lot more. I find it really funny that this whole process started with a due date of Oct 7th. Then the goal was to make it until Sept 23rd. And then it was Sept 7th. Now it seems that everyone is cheering and chanting that if I can just hold on until September things will be just fine. So I guess that is my job. Hold on until September. I think I can manage that!

27 Weeks

So this is my professional photographer. She's great. She doesn't charge me very much. She just has a lot of opinions and always wants me to take her picture when we are done. I figure that is fair. I did make note that she looked very picturesque that day.

Thanks Paige, for all of your help and support through this. And thanks for making me laugh about 20 times in the 20 minutes it took to take four pictures! You're amazing!

"Mom, you really shouldn't hold onto
your butt when I take the picture.
It  just looks funny."

"Darn it! That time you smiled without
your teeth. We need to try it again.
This time try saying cheese."

And according to Paige, we found a winner. 27 weeks, LOTS more to go!

So the update on the pregnancy is looking pretty good. I had a check-up with my new OB-GYN on Tuesday. My first one was ok, but apparently you should have some sort of trust or positive rapport with the doctor who is in charge of your pregnancy and delivery. I didn't. So we found a new one. Her name is Julie Grover and after appointment number one I guess she's great. She is human. And since I am still on my anti-people kick that is kind of a flaw. But it will work out ok I think. 

Anyhow, the next day I had my most recent ultrasound. The good news there was that both babies are head down. For anyone who hasn't read my feelings on C-sections, I am a little terrified and so both babies in position is great news for me! I know there is still always that chance that things will not go as smoothly as I am hoping for. But the specialist also said that the babies are much less likely to flip over at this point. Which means we are planning on at least trying for a vaginal delivery! (Can I say vaginal on here? Or am I going to get angry posts from friends and family who do not approve of such a vulgar comment?) We have another ultrasound in two weeks. But so far there are no signs at all of Twin-Twin Transfusion syndrome. (YEAH!) They are measuring about exactly equal and the specialists are all still assuming the girls are identical. (Which I can finally admit is kind of exciting. Especially since they will probably be as cute as their sisters. Easton is going to have a lot of body guard duty during the high school years.) 

In case anyone cares, the reason they are assuming identical is that they can only see one placenta in the ultrasound pictures. One placenta means they have to be identical. There is also the tiniest, thinnest membrane separating the girls. It is so hard to see on the screen. But the only way to know for sure if twins are identical is to have a DNA test done at birth to see what percentage of their DNA matches. I guess even the doctors sometimes can't tell if there are really two placentas there or if the two placentas fused together. Really complicated. But we are learning so much. Every appointment is amazingly fascinating. And I love the doctors over at Maternal Fetal Medicine at UVRMC. They are patient and smart and just always willing to take the time to talk to you and make sure you understand the creatures in your belly!

And the non-medical side of my pregnancy should get an update also. I have to admit that this is much harder than I imagined it would be. I have posted a lot about my feelings and emotions. I just didn't realize how taxing this would be. And people keep telling me that I look great or that I don't act like I am struggling. I'm not. I really am doing well. But there are just some days when the littlest thing (going to the bathroom, making lunch, sitting up too long) takes everything I have! I get frustrated and complain. But Brandon has always been so supportive. Today was a harder day and Brandon rushed home from work early and grabbed the girls so that I could just lay down and rest. It is just weird to feel like I got "nothing" done all day and yet I feel like I ran a marathon! Literally that is how some days feel. It is sooo strange. And then I just fall into Brandon's arms and believe him when he lectures me about how I didn't get "nothing" done. I am creating people. My body appears to be sitting there. But it is frantically building cells and brains and bones and working overtime trying to get things ready in time. It's hard work. But someone's gotta do it!