Sunday, June 26, 2011

Scared Silly

This is not going to be a very positive blog post. But I firmly believe in keeping things real. And I firmly believe in getting my feelings and thoughts down so that I can remember them. And if someone else wants to read them, that's cool. And if someone else has ever felt the same way and feels just a little less psychotic to not be alone in their emotions, that's great. So here we go.

I have had three very easy pregnancies. My first trimester flies by and I barely know I am pregnant. The second trimester is full of endorphin highs and other positive nonsense. The third trimester starts to get a pinch uncomfortable. The last couple of weeks (2 or 3) I start to get really whiny and less than pleasant. And by the time my due date rolls around I am ready to get the dang baby out. But overall I can't complain because I know how easy it is for me to get pregnant and to carry a baby. Really, it is what my body was made to do. Forget sports and dancing and all the other things I have tried. My body does babies. It's good at it. 

This time is soooo different. I would guess that 3-5 times a week I just curl up in bed and experience a level of anxiety that scares me silly. Things really aren't that hard or that bad.... yet. It's just that I am only at 25 weeks, and I have felt ready to pop for the last month already. My fear comes from the fact that I honestly doubt and question that my body will be able to handle the rest of what it needs to do. I watch my skin stretch and think of how much further that skin has to stretch before it's done. Is it possible? I am 2/3 of the way through this process and I think it has already maxed out. Then there is the intense irritability. What if I am so mean to everyone around me that they all quit on me before I finish. I will admit that I worry about this with Brandon occasionally. I know he's in this for the long haul. He isn't going anywhere. But who wants to maintain that level of commitment to a fat, grumpy woman who doesn't even let you touch her? Really, logic dictates that it is only a matter of days before he is peacing out for good. And finally there is the pressure. This pregnancy puts pressure everywhere. On my abdominal muscles. On my pelvic floor. On my feet. On my fingers. And on my sinuses. I just really feel like the pressure is going to build for a few more weeks and I will literally explode. Literally. 

I just feel inadequate. I feel overwhelmed. And on my worst days I feel angry. I never asked for this. In reality I did a lot of things to ask for this to not happen. I don't want to do it. I don't want to be pregnant. I don't want to deal with the terror of what is awaiting me in September. I have so many things in my life that I want to do. And I don't think that most of them are selfish things. But this was not on the list. Ever.

So now is the part where I have to have my Spiritual breakdown and redeem myself from your judgments about my attitude. I am terrified. I honestly do not see myself surviving this process. I am not being dramatic or exaggerating, this might kill me. But it probably won't. Probably I am going to make it through. One day, one inch and one little breakdown at a time. And the times I feel the most overwhelmed are the times when I am letting Satan have the most influence over my confidence. He is the source of my doubt and my fear. And I need to focus on the attitude of looking that fear in the eye, recognizing it for what (and who) it is, and saying "get the hence Satan." 

1 comment:

  1. You are an AMAZING woman! You said it yourself - you are meant for this! Remember, Heavenly Father NEVER asks you to do something you can't handle! You're doing great! Keep smiling and keep enduring!!!