Tuesday, November 15, 2011
It's just not fair.
I am supposed to be working. I am trying to get work done. I am annoying Brandon because he wants to go to sleep and I am still saying I have more work to do. But the truth is that I just cannot focus. I am a so distracted lately. Nine times out of ten the issue is that I am distracted by the 5 gorgeous children that I am blessed to be responsible for. I am realizing that it is too hard to focus on any task before me when I have those guys in my house with me! But this time I am distracted by blessings. And not in a good way. I get very hormonal and emotional. And when I do I get very angry about the uneven distribution of blessings. I have faith in a Heavenly Father who loves us all and knows what He is doing in terms of said distribution. I do. But on nights like tonight I can't help but be very sad about everyone who suffers. I try very hard every year to feel the Christmas Spirit. I enjoy my family and my friends and my gift giving and my gift receiving and the parties and the trees and the lights. But I am constantly battling the nagging feelings in the back of my mind that want to remind me of those people who don't have each of the things I just named. It has been especially hard in the last few years since I have been working with and near the kids that we get to work with. I just don't understand a system that can deal such different hands to so many people. And then we turn around and expect these kids who have been dealt such a rough hand to pull out the same results that "well-adjusted" kids pull out. And we have to maintain that expectation. We have to demand that they create something out of nothing. It is the only chance that some of these kids have at living a life that does not involve bars and jumpsuits. I get it. I have seen time and time again how the process works. But someone just explain to me how I am supposed to kick back and sip my hot chocolate and enjoy my 5 children and sing the familiar Christmas Carols and not die of a broken heart? Please?